It has been said, the flesh is weak. They are right. SO very right. My mind says I can't have another baby. I can't raise 3 children, work, have a husband who travels 8 months out of the year and have no one here to help me. But my body betrays me. It betrays me over and over again with a desire to have another baby. A physical pain I can feel it in my womb. Why would I want to be pregnant again? Why would I want another 2 years without sleep? Medical complications? New sicknesses? Start over with child care? Financial strains? Nursing? Diaper bags? Why? So then why can a feel a longing so deep inside it kept me up for an hour crying tonight over the thought of not having another baby? And why am I so sad realizing that my babies are growing up?
Tonight I picked Cole up while he lay sleeping in his bed and carried him to the bathroom. As he wrapped his legs around me, draped his arms around my neck and rested his head on my shoulder for a few brief moments I nuzzled his head and kissed his hair. And while I held him and I realized these moments are so rare now. He is only 4 and this kind of cuddle is almost obsolete. I have carried these children with me and kissed their heads for years but now they walk on their own. Sure, I hold their hand but tonight my arms are feeling the emptiness. I started thinking about sitting in the rocking for hours every day and night holding my baby and looking at their sweet faces. People always said babies grow up too fast, so when Case and Cole were born I sat in that rocker and studied, stared and tried to soak them in. And now today all I have are the memories of exactly how small and sweet and perfect they where while I rocked them, because they are growing up too fast. Loving someone so much is very hard. Its all in Gods hands as to what our family will look like 5, 10, 20 years from now, but in the mean time if you don't mind praying for peace, I would appreciate it.
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